Pornhub Gives the Best Valentine’s Day Gifts

The day is upon us. Netflix released House of Cards season two, it’s YouTube’s ninth birthday, and it’s been 85 years since Al Capone let some lead drop in Chicago. Oh, and it’s Valentine’s Day for those of you who celebrate that.

For those of you who happen to be like a certain person writing this column right now, you don’t give a fuck. You’re eight episodes deep into your own HOC marathon and three glasses deep into your poison by now. You don’t have time to give a damn about heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and flowers and freezing your ass off while standing in a line to get into Endless Love tonight.

Everyone in a semi-to-fully-functioning relationship has their own agenda tonight, but those out in the world who are single and prepared with a new pack of batteries have their own and a certain Internet porn site is feeling extra generous today.

Pornhub is offering unlimited views on its website today only. That’s right. No more wasted views on a video because of a misleading thumbnail. No more wasted views on a video you thought was 13 minutes but is actually three minutes of your life you’ll never get back. No more having to switch to another website mid-masturbation because you simply started out trying to find the weirdest fucking porn out just of boredom but then you got caught up in it and now you’re out of views.

Today, Pornhub has looked graciously down upon all of us spending our night in sweat pants on the couch and said, “Lo, thou shalt now spend thy night horny yet orgasm-less. I shall bestow upon thee unlimited views on thine Internet porn site on Valentine’s Day only so thou may feel all the lust of a relationship without the time nor dedication of a relationship.” And we said it was good.

So while all your friends are out spending money they don’t have on dates and flowers and other unnecessary bullshit, you can spend your night watching free porn with no end in sight until around 11:43 when you go to bed, get in one last O, and drift into the best sleep of your life.

Pornhub:  putting the VD in Valentine’s Day for our enjoyment since 2007.

How to Be a Grown-Ass Woman, Vol. II

The wait is over for those of you wondering if there would ever be a second volume of “How to Be a Grown-Ass Woman.” And just in time for Valentine’s Day, too. So if you’re needing to hone in on your lady skills before you drag some poor soul to watch Endless Love (even though, good Lord, Alex Pettyfer…), then this is for you.

1.  Quit shortening Valentine’s Day down to VD. Valentine’s Day and venereal disease are not the same thing, though you may contract a venereal disease due to Valentine’s Day.

2.  In order to prevent number one or a small person who likes to call you “mom,” you should always be prepared. Take charge of your life for five seconds and bring your own baby repellent.

3.  I don’t care that The Wedding Planner made a mockery out of carnations. If a boy brings you flowers, graciously accept them and thank the man. Don’t be a bitch.

4.  We got no food, we got no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off! Offer to pay for your half of the date, even if you know he won’t accept. We’re all fucking poor.

5.  Can we please calm the fuck down with the glitter?

6.  Don’t bitch too much about being single on Valentine’s Day. That’s what liquor stores and batteries are for. Netflix will be your Valentine. Console yourself, woman.

7.  For the love of God, do not get on Tinder on Valentine’s Day.

8.  You should probably wash your sheets. Like, on a regular basis.

9.  Not everyone can pull off red lipstick. Even on Valentine’s Day. Remember that. You know who you are.

10.  Nobody cares about your nail art, so you can stop tweeting pictures now.

11.  Watch the news. Read a newspaper. Follow @CNN, @CNNbrk, @BreakingNews, or @AP. Keep up with the world around you.

12.  You’re too old to be a Belieber, girl. Give it up.

13.  You should really be able to go out without showing the world your goods by now. Get it together, Lindsay Lohan.

14.  If you’re going to continue quoting Marilyn Monroe, I must insist you quote Monica Lewinsky. Now how dumb does it sound?

15.  Please like yourself by now.

16.  You don’t watch #RichKids of Beverly Hills. You don’t, okay? Promise me.

17.  I know you want the puppy. But you can’t afford the puppy.

18.  God, forgive me for this, but you can’t wear leggings everywhere. I know, I know… It upsets me, too.

19.  Stop being that girl at house parties that yells, “Play ‘Timber’!” I see you over there with your bottle of Arbor Mist…

20.  Be better than your five-year high school reunion. Wait until your ten-year, instead, so you’re happily married with kids to show off, too. Even the playing field a little bit.

21.  “I don’t know, surprise me.” You’re not new here anymore, you should know what to ask the bartender for when you get there.

22.  You should try to be motivated to work out more than just once a year when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show comes on.

23.  You should really make it a goal to not go into a diabetic coma this weekend after all the Valentine’s Day candy goes on sale.

Woman Crush Wednesday: Beyonce

Everybody say, “Heyyy, Mrs. Carter.”

When it comes to girl crushes, I crush hard on my girl, Beyonce. Whether it be her flawlessness or the fact that she has not a single fuck to give anybody in this world, she has earned a special place in my heart for many reasons.

1.  Have you seen her? Like, even once? Just look at her.

2.  The Queen came to power in the ’90s and never looked back. She still reigns today.

3.  Remember that time she performed the 2013 Super Bowl Halftime Show and she gave us all a Destiny’s Child reunion, probably out of the goodness of her heart.

4.  Her performance was so powerful, she shut down the Super Bowl. No, really. There was a blackout and the game was delayed for 33 minutes and I’m 99.9 percent positive it changed the outcome of the entire game.

5.  She put someone like me, a publicist, out of a job when she dropped her new album on iTunes like it was hot. It is hot. And I’m not even mad about it.

6.  Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I just tune into her Pandora station where she reminds me that I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it, a diva is the female version of a hustler, and my body is too bootylicious for you, baby.

7.  She married Jay-Z.

8.  Then she had his child and named it Blue Ivy Carter. That’s right, her initials are B.I.C. Coincidence? I think not.

9.  You want to hear about her sex life? Just listen to her new album.

10.  Her hair gets caught in a fan? No problem. She’ll keep going and just cut it all off later, NBD.

11.  When she wants privacy, she’s polite about it. “Driver, roll up the partition, please. I don’t need you seein’ ‘Yonce on her knees.” Manners matter.

12.  Subsequently, she doesn’t bitch about spending 45 minutes getting ready to never make it to the club. Like, it’s fine.

13.  There are college classes being taught about the girl. At Rutgers.

14.  There are Beyonce dance classes being taught. Essentially, I can now become Beyonce.

15.  Sasha Fierce. She created an alter ego for herself so she could have a “lady in the streets, freak in the bed” type persona. Then she killed it off. Beyonce giveth, and Beyonce taketh away.

16.  Single on Valentine’s Day this year? No problemo. A restaurant in New York City is creating a special Beyonce-inspired menu. So, you don’t have to spend Valentine’s Day alone. You can metaphorically spend it with Bey over your entree of Jay-Ziti and I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Jelly-Doughnut dessert.

17.  When Beyonce lip-synched the Star-Spangled Banner at President Obama’s inauguration and people started saying she wasn’t capable of singing the national anthem, she just held her own press conference, belted it out, and then ended it in the most epic way possible.

18.  This one time, H&M used retouched images for a campaign and she called a mulligan and forced them to use the real images. You don’t change Beyonce. Beyonce changes you.

19.  She literally swooped down from the heavens to sing “Survivor” to a terminally-ill little girl.

20.  And, oh yeah, she’s Beyonce. Mrs. Carter if you’re nasty.

Bow down, bitches.