The day is upon us. Netflix released House of Cards season two, it’s YouTube’s ninth birthday, and it’s been 85 years since Al Capone let some lead drop in Chicago. Oh, and it’s Valentine’s Day for those of you who celebrate that.
For those of you who happen to be like a certain person writing this column right now, you don’t give a fuck. You’re eight episodes deep into your own HOC marathon and three glasses deep into your poison by now. You don’t have time to give a damn about heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and flowers and freezing your ass off while standing in a line to get into Endless Love tonight.
Everyone in a semi-to-fully-functioning relationship has their own agenda tonight, but those out in the world who are single and prepared with a new pack of batteries have their own and a certain Internet porn site is feeling extra generous today.
Pornhub is offering unlimited views on its website today only. That’s right. No more wasted views on a video because of a misleading thumbnail. No more wasted views on a video you thought was 13 minutes but is actually three minutes of your life you’ll never get back. No more having to switch to another website mid-masturbation because you simply started out trying to find the weirdest fucking porn out just of boredom but then you got caught up in it and now you’re out of views.
Today, Pornhub has looked graciously down upon all of us spending our night in sweat pants on the couch and said, “Lo, thou shalt now spend thy night horny yet orgasm-less. I shall bestow upon thee unlimited views on thine Internet porn site on Valentine’s Day only so thou may feel all the lust of a relationship without the time nor dedication of a relationship.” And we said it was good.
So while all your friends are out spending money they don’t have on dates and flowers and other unnecessary bullshit, you can spend your night watching free porn with no end in sight until around 11:43 when you go to bed, get in one last O, and drift into the best sleep of your life.
Pornhub: putting the VD in Valentine’s Day for our enjoyment since 2007.
Post-Grad and a Broke Bitch 