Woman Crush Wednesday: Beyonce

Everybody say, “Heyyy, Mrs. Carter.”

When it comes to girl crushes, I crush hard on my girl, Beyonce. Whether it be her flawlessness or the fact that she has not a single fuck to give anybody in this world, she has earned a special place in my heart for many reasons.

1.  Have you seen her? Like, even once? Just look at her.

2.  The Queen came to power in the ’90s and never looked back. She still reigns today.

3.  Remember that time she performed the 2013 Super Bowl Halftime Show and she gave us all a Destiny’s Child reunion, probably out of the goodness of her heart.

4.  Her performance was so powerful, she shut down the Super Bowl. No, really. There was a blackout and the game was delayed for 33 minutes and I’m 99.9 percent positive it changed the outcome of the entire game.

5.  She put someone like me, a publicist, out of a job when she dropped her new album on iTunes like it was hot. It is hot. And I’m not even mad about it.

6.  Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I just tune into her Pandora station where she reminds me that I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it, a diva is the female version of a hustler, and my body is too bootylicious for you, baby.

7.  She married Jay-Z.

8.  Then she had his child and named it Blue Ivy Carter. That’s right, her initials are B.I.C. Coincidence? I think not.

9.  You want to hear about her sex life? Just listen to her new album.

10.  Her hair gets caught in a fan? No problem. She’ll keep going and just cut it all off later, NBD.

11.  When she wants privacy, she’s polite about it. “Driver, roll up the partition, please. I don’t need you seein’ ‘Yonce on her knees.” Manners matter.

12.  Subsequently, she doesn’t bitch about spending 45 minutes getting ready to never make it to the club. Like, it’s fine.

13.  There are college classes being taught about the girl. At Rutgers.

14.  There are Beyonce dance classes being taught. Essentially, I can now become Beyonce.

15.  Sasha Fierce. She created an alter ego for herself so she could have a “lady in the streets, freak in the bed” type persona. Then she killed it off. Beyonce giveth, and Beyonce taketh away.

16.  Single on Valentine’s Day this year? No problemo. A restaurant in New York City is creating a special Beyonce-inspired menu. So, you don’t have to spend Valentine’s Day alone. You can metaphorically spend it with Bey over your entree of Jay-Ziti and I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Jelly-Doughnut dessert.

17.  When Beyonce lip-synched the Star-Spangled Banner at President Obama’s inauguration and people started saying she wasn’t capable of singing the national anthem, she just held her own press conference, belted it out, and then ended it in the most epic way possible.

18.  This one time, H&M used retouched images for a campaign and she called a mulligan and forced them to use the real images. You don’t change Beyonce. Beyonce changes you.

19.  She literally swooped down from the heavens to sing “Survivor” to a terminally-ill little girl.

20.  And, oh yeah, she’s Beyonce. Mrs. Carter if you’re nasty.

Bow down, bitches.

The 4 Types of Women on Super Bowl Sunday

It is upon us. Many of the past Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays since August have unfolded in anticipation of this one glorious day of war on the gridiron. However, you have lady parts, so there’s a 50/50 shot that you don’t care. Ladies, you fall into one of four categories of women on days football is played and you and I both know it.

1.  You’re cool and enjoy football, maybe not as much as the man in your life, but you enjoy it nonetheless. You have awaited this day much like you have awaited at least one of these nights each week. You probably have an actual team you root for even though it’s probably based off of which team has the hotter offensive line. You may even own some team swag or at least borrow a shirt from your boyfriend. You know actual players names although it’s probably just the quarterback, the wide receiver, and a defensive lineman that wrecked someone in Week 7. You actually give more of a fuck about the game than just who is playing the halftime show (although BEYONCE!) and you’re readying yourself for the gross portions of beer, pizza, and wings you’re about to consume. Your boyfriend/significant other is appreciative of you and win or lose, you’re probably going to get laid. Congrats.
2.  You pretend to like watching football mainly to prevent looking like a bitch to your guy’s friends or a fight. This doesn’t take away from your coolness because, hey, at least you’re trying. Although most of the time you’re in IDGAF mode, there’s probably an interception or a 100-yard return that actually catches your attention and you probably begin to form the foundation of team loyalties. You’re really only there for the halftime show because you want to see if Bruno Mars is going to play “Locked Out of Heaven” because it’s your jam. You’re wearing a shir-sey from your alma mater because it’s the only sports attire you own. You try to communicate in sports lingo by calling out players as “that big guy in the navy and chartreuse.” Any time someone mentions halftime shows from years past, you jump at the occasion to bring up Beyonce and how the Destiny’s Child reunion changed your life. The likelihood of you getting laid tonight is determined solely on who wins and who loses.

3.  You have to watch football? “But the Kardashians come on tonight.” Well ya know what, bitch? DVR your goddamn Kardashians because it’s the Super Bowl. The Kardashians average two seasons a year with mid-season breaks. The Super Bowl happens once a year. You’re going to have to either suck it up or you and your boyfriend are going to be fighting tonight. And the fun part is, he’s probably not going to actually spend his quality guy time fighting with you during the Super Bowl, which is going to piss you off even more. Instead, you decide to stake out a spot on the couch in the corner of the room and sit in silence. You text your best friend, maybe even your mom, and send passive-aggressive tweets so you’re at least not saying your thoughts aloud. There’s a point somewhere in the third quarter where you feel like there’s too much negative attention being thrown your way so you get up and storm off to the bathroom, unconcerned that there are 5-10 other people with bowels full of beer and hot wings who are beginning to hate you even more. You’re not getting laid tonight, by the way. You’re actually probably going to fight with this guy even though you feel as if your presence should be enough to show how much you tried.

4.  You’re single and care enough to watch football, either for the game, the halftime show, or just the atmosphere OR you couldn’t give two shits less and you watch the Kardashians in your monogrammed pajama bottoms and homecoming concert T-shirt from junior year with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. You’re surrounded by trashy gossip magazines and you’re happy with your life. You honestly couldn’t care less who wins or who loses, you watch the Bruno Mars halftime show even though you know it’s not going to even come close to touching Beyonce’s, and you YouTube Beyonce’s halftime show once it’s over. You go to sleep at a reasonable hour without sex or fighting. You actually win this day.

There’s a fifth way to spend this day:  Mom mode. This is what happens when girls literally over-try to make someone like you and think you’re cool by cooking and preparing T.G.I.Friday’s appetizers for your man and all of his friends that you plan on presenting on team color-coordinated table cloths. You are not worth my time.

Tweets I Thought Were Totally Acceptable in College

Ah, college. The glory years where I was not a girl, not yet a woman and felt that I was completely invincible. How the mighty have fallen… I took it upon myself to be completely inappropriate (not unlike today) and to publicly post it on the Interwebz for all of posterity. I’ll make my children proud one day. This might be just the dysfunction they need to be awesome, too. Who knows?

I took politics really seriously

“I just want Rand Paul to filibuster with 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall and just see what happens.”

“Don’t call it a comeback! #MamaSaidKnockYouOut ‘@NBCNewsWorld: Communism making comeback in Czech Republic http://nbcnews.to/Yc5x4Y‘”

I let the world know how responsible I was

“There is a special prayer you say when you know you’re in that awkward time of overdrawn account and payday… #poor”
Some things don’t change.

“Nothing says ‘I went out last night’ like forgetting to wash your bar stamp off your hand and going into work with slept-on curls.”

I prioritized my life

“The fact that I have to go to a group meeting when the new Walking Dead comes on pisses me off to no belief.”

I threw some serious shade #subtweet

“Lady, I just saw you get up off your scooter and walk to look at prices on Easter candy. You don’t need that scooter. Or that candy.”

“Y’all broke up. Nobody died. Quit asking for prayers on Facebook.”

I didn’t cope well with the flu

“I’m a piss and a molestation case away from being R. Kelly. #TrappedInTheApartment”

“Woahhh, Golden Girls. Don’t be throwing those daggers at me! I’m too drugged up for emotions.”

I thoroughly enjoyed the Beyonce Super Bowl halftime show

“No one will “still have it” like Beyonce’s still got it. Get it, girl!”

“Has baby. Becomes sexier. #Beyonce”

“Still holding out hope for a surprise Destiny’s Child reunion.”

“YES!!!!!!!!!!!”

“OH MY GOD YES!!!”

“KILL ME NOW!! I WILL NEVER BE HAPPIER THAN THIS MOMENT!!! #DestinysChild”

“GET IT, GIRL!”

“TAKE ME NOW, JESUS! #halftime”

Finals week really took its toll

“I’d rather slit my wrists and do push-ups in saltwater than spend my sleep hours working on this term project.”

“I’d rather walk the graduation line dressed as Joe, Steve’s replacement on Blue’s Clues, and be boo’d off stage than do this term project.”
Nobody likes you, Joe.

“I’d rather Beth Chapman hug me and die a slow, painful, suffocating death in her bosom than spend my sleeping hours working on this project.” #truelife

I was really proud of my grades

“I made a D in Econ. Ds get degrees!”
I wasn’t making that part up in my bio about the math. I really suck at numbers.

“Just successfully used Call of Duty lingo in a PowerPoint presentation. Where’s my diploma?”

Even graduation was a swell time…

“Well, today is graduated college. Which means tonight, we drink! BA stands for badass. #WKU #Classof2013”
Who has time for correct grammar they’re being given a college diploma…

“I just created a Vitamin C “Graduation” Pandora station. I ain’t got no shame to give. #WKU”
And, to be fair, I probably didn’t.

[Sidenote:  the #WKU hashtag got really popular for shits and giggles because the university got all kinds of pissy when a fake and unaffiliated Twitter account popped up in honor of the president of a certain western Kentucky university. The Twitter account was removed, the university started monitoring the #WKU hashtag, and the student body got all “We are Anonymous” and abused the shit out of it. So, no, I haven’t forgotten about it, Western…]