Everybody say, “Heyyy, Mrs. Carter.”
When it comes to girl crushes, I crush hard on my girl, Beyonce. Whether it be her flawlessness or the fact that she has not a single fuck to give anybody in this world, she has earned a special place in my heart for many reasons.
1. Have you seen her? Like, even once? Just look at her.
2. The Queen came to power in the ’90s and never looked back. She still reigns today.
3. Remember that time she performed the 2013 Super Bowl Halftime Show and she gave us all a Destiny’s Child reunion, probably out of the goodness of her heart.
4. Her performance was so powerful, she shut down the Super Bowl. No, really. There was a blackout and the game was delayed for 33 minutes and I’m 99.9 percent positive it changed the outcome of the entire game.
5. She put someone like me, a publicist, out of a job when she dropped her new album on iTunes like it was hot. It is hot. And I’m not even mad about it.
6. Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I just tune into her Pandora station where she reminds me that I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it, a diva is the female version of a hustler, and my body is too bootylicious for you, baby.
7. She married Jay-Z.
8. Then she had his child and named it Blue Ivy Carter. That’s right, her initials are B.I.C. Coincidence? I think not.
9. You want to hear about her sex life? Just listen to her new album.
10. Her hair gets caught in a fan? No problem. She’ll keep going and just cut it all off later, NBD.
11. When she wants privacy, she’s polite about it. “Driver, roll up the partition, please. I don’t need you seein’ ‘Yonce on her knees.” Manners matter.
12. Subsequently, she doesn’t bitch about spending 45 minutes getting ready to never make it to the club. Like, it’s fine.
13. There are college classes being taught about the girl. At Rutgers.
14. There are Beyonce dance classes being taught. Essentially, I can now become Beyonce.
15. Sasha Fierce. She created an alter ego for herself so she could have a “lady in the streets, freak in the bed” type persona. Then she killed it off. Beyonce giveth, and Beyonce taketh away.
16. Single on Valentine’s Day this year? No problemo. A restaurant in New York City is creating a special Beyonce-inspired menu. So, you don’t have to spend Valentine’s Day alone. You can metaphorically spend it with Bey over your entree of Jay-Ziti and I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Jelly-Doughnut dessert.
17. When Beyonce lip-synched the Star-Spangled Banner at President Obama’s inauguration and people started saying she wasn’t capable of singing the national anthem, she just held her own press conference, belted it out, and then ended it in the most epic way possible.
18. This one time, H&M used retouched images for a campaign and she called a mulligan and forced them to use the real images. You don’t change Beyonce. Beyonce changes you.
19. She literally swooped down from the heavens to sing “Survivor” to a terminally-ill little girl.
20. And, oh yeah, she’s Beyonce. Mrs. Carter if you’re nasty.
Bow down, bitches.
Post-Grad and a Broke Bitch 