How to Be a Grown-Ass Woman, Vol. II

The wait is over for those of you wondering if there would ever be a second volume of “How to Be a Grown-Ass Woman.” And just in time for Valentine’s Day, too. So if you’re needing to hone in on your lady skills before you drag some poor soul to watch Endless Love (even though, good Lord, Alex Pettyfer…), then this is for you.

1.  Quit shortening Valentine’s Day down to VD. Valentine’s Day and venereal disease are not the same thing, though you may contract a venereal disease due to Valentine’s Day.

2.  In order to prevent number one or a small person who likes to call you “mom,” you should always be prepared. Take charge of your life for five seconds and bring your own baby repellent.

3.  I don’t care that The Wedding Planner made a mockery out of carnations. If a boy brings you flowers, graciously accept them and thank the man. Don’t be a bitch.

4.  We got no food, we got no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off! Offer to pay for your half of the date, even if you know he won’t accept. We’re all fucking poor.

5.  Can we please calm the fuck down with the glitter?

6.  Don’t bitch too much about being single on Valentine’s Day. That’s what liquor stores and batteries are for. Netflix will be your Valentine. Console yourself, woman.

7.  For the love of God, do not get on Tinder on Valentine’s Day.

8.  You should probably wash your sheets. Like, on a regular basis.

9.  Not everyone can pull off red lipstick. Even on Valentine’s Day. Remember that. You know who you are.

10.  Nobody cares about your nail art, so you can stop tweeting pictures now.

11.  Watch the news. Read a newspaper. Follow @CNN, @CNNbrk, @BreakingNews, or @AP. Keep up with the world around you.

12.  You’re too old to be a Belieber, girl. Give it up.

13.  You should really be able to go out without showing the world your goods by now. Get it together, Lindsay Lohan.

14.  If you’re going to continue quoting Marilyn Monroe, I must insist you quote Monica Lewinsky. Now how dumb does it sound?

15.  Please like yourself by now.

16.  You don’t watch #RichKids of Beverly Hills. You don’t, okay? Promise me.

17.  I know you want the puppy. But you can’t afford the puppy.

18.  God, forgive me for this, but you can’t wear leggings everywhere. I know, I know… It upsets me, too.

19.  Stop being that girl at house parties that yells, “Play ‘Timber’!” I see you over there with your bottle of Arbor Mist…

20.  Be better than your five-year high school reunion. Wait until your ten-year, instead, so you’re happily married with kids to show off, too. Even the playing field a little bit.

21.  “I don’t know, surprise me.” You’re not new here anymore, you should know what to ask the bartender for when you get there.

22.  You should try to be motivated to work out more than just once a year when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show comes on.

23.  You should really make it a goal to not go into a diabetic coma this weekend after all the Valentine’s Day candy goes on sale.

Unemployed in Your Hometown v. Grad School

Going home after college sucks. After 4+ years of free reign and questionable social decisions, your parents wake you up at a reasonable ante meridian hour and make you have to deal with, dare I say it…townies. Like, all day. And pressure you to “network” and get a job doing something not even close to what you went to school for. But when your hometown is so bad that it makes you want to go deeper into debt, you may really want to reevaluate your life choices.

If your hometown doesn’t have a Walmart, you should probably think about grad school.

If your county is dry, please God think about grad school.

If half your graduating class walked across the stage at your high school graduation as parents, don’t even go back home. Not even on the weekends. You’re a survivor, you’re not gon’ give up. You will survive, and you’ll keep on survivin’–in grad school.

If you will make more money in residual checks leftover from your student loans than the minimum wage job requiring maximum strength Xanax you manage to find, go to grad school.

If the other half of your graduating class is still hanging out in that parking lot for fun, go to grad school.

If the predominant drug of choice in your hometown is meth, you should probably think about going to grad school.

If you, even for a split second, think about dusting off the ol’ Letterman’s jacket to wear to a school-sanctioned sporting event (or for any other reason, really…), leave. 

If your Mama keeps trying to play matchmaker and even suggests your high school sweetheart, bail ship now, go to grad school, and thank me later. Because no.

If Shinedown, Hinder, Buckcherry, or (God forbid) Nickelback are still bands people play by choice at social events or on the radio, please consider grad school.

If the high school reunion that is pulling up to the drive-thru window starts becoming a regular thing, you should probably put some serious thought into grad school.

If you legitimately consider picking up your old summer job lifeguarding at the pool as a serious means of work, please go to grad school.

If over 60% of your job application responses say that they are going to go with “someone more experienced,” maybe go to grad school? Intern somewhere? 2-3 years experience is hard to gain when ALL THE JOBS require 2-3 years experience, but I hear some companies substitute education for experience. Worth a shot.