3 Mistakes Single Post-Grads Will Probably Make

So you did it. You managed to make it out of college without falling in love and getting married. Congrats! Now if only you could manage to log onto Facebook or Instagram without it effecting your gag reflex, your life might turn out alright. I’m not even talking about engagements, although deep down I really hate everyone my age and younger who thinks they should spend their fun years going deeper and deeper into debt with weddings and babies and mortgages… What? Sorry, blacked out for a bit. Where was I? Oh yeah, not talking about engagements. I’m actually talking about all the wrong life choices the single post-grad is likely to make when they move back to their natural habitat and their peers pressure them into finding a mate. Because, as we know, all successful relationships begin with peer pressure…

Let me set the scene for you:  you’re back home with your parents. You open up the door to your old room–bag of dirty clothes in one hand, diploma in the other–and see the twin-size bed you and your high school sweetheart used to bang on while your parents were out of the house. Ah, memories. “I wonder what they’re up to?” you ask yourself, and you continue to wonder as you try to fit the past four years of your life on top of your first 18. Later that night you become bored, obviously, and your thoughts become actions. “Long time, no talk lol. What’s up?” As soon as it sends you’re suddenly on a high laced with hormones and emotions you don’t actually have anymore. They text back and the next thing you know you’re revisiting memories of homecoming and meeting them at “your spot” (probably your high school parking lot or a public park). You think it’s a totally good idea to date them again. “Why did we even break up in the first place?” You realize a month later it’s because they’re still psycho crazy and probably way too comfortable with being a townie the rest of their life.

When you finally move into your post-grad one bedroom apartment, feelings aren’t even driven by happy memories anymore. They’re driven by desperation. You don’t even really want a significant other, but all your friends have one and now you’re lonely. Thanks, guys. Since your friends are cuddled up on the couch with their current flames, you cuddle up on the couch with yours:  Tinder. You find men/women whom you would ordinarily find unattractive to rank at least a 6 on a good day. Hell, you may even think the office intern is insanely hot, even though they’re probably 19. You’ve cast yourself out pretty far, and if you don’t begin to reel yourself back in soon, you’re going to wake up one day next to a terrible decision and question whether or not your company’s insurance policy pays for MRIs because you clearly have head trauma.

And then, there is happy hour. You go out, have a few beers and maybe a shot or two if they’re on special, and you begin to feel pretty good about yourself. In the sea of business casual apparel, you spot a co-worker. But the really attractive co-worker whom, when you’re sober, know you shouldn’t even try to get close to and avoid like the plague because of the “don’t date co-workers” rule you (and your company) have in place. But they’re here. And you’re here. And you’ve both had a few drinks under your belts. One second you’re finding common ground by bitching about the office douchebag who never throws away his K-cups, the next second you’re unbuttoning dress shirts and unzipping slacks (which, to be fair, is a step up from letter shirts with “Ashley’s Lil'” on the back of it). You’re about to do things you’re not going to be proud of tomorrow, or for the next awkward two weeks at the office until the office douchebag has piled up an impressive amount of empty K-cups next to the Keurig and you can both find solace in the fact that you both hate him again.

One of these days you’ll find true love. It’s probably not today, but at least it’s payday. Chin up.

Unemployed in Your Hometown v. Grad School

Going home after college sucks. After 4+ years of free reign and questionable social decisions, your parents wake you up at a reasonable ante meridian hour and make you have to deal with, dare I say it…townies. Like, all day. And pressure you to “network” and get a job doing something not even close to what you went to school for. But when your hometown is so bad that it makes you want to go deeper into debt, you may really want to reevaluate your life choices.

If your hometown doesn’t have a Walmart, you should probably think about grad school.

If your county is dry, please God think about grad school.

If half your graduating class walked across the stage at your high school graduation as parents, don’t even go back home. Not even on the weekends. You’re a survivor, you’re not gon’ give up. You will survive, and you’ll keep on survivin’–in grad school.

If you will make more money in residual checks leftover from your student loans than the minimum wage job requiring maximum strength Xanax you manage to find, go to grad school.

If the other half of your graduating class is still hanging out in that parking lot for fun, go to grad school.

If the predominant drug of choice in your hometown is meth, you should probably think about going to grad school.

If you, even for a split second, think about dusting off the ol’ Letterman’s jacket to wear to a school-sanctioned sporting event (or for any other reason, really…), leave. 

If your Mama keeps trying to play matchmaker and even suggests your high school sweetheart, bail ship now, go to grad school, and thank me later. Because no.

If Shinedown, Hinder, Buckcherry, or (God forbid) Nickelback are still bands people play by choice at social events or on the radio, please consider grad school.

If the high school reunion that is pulling up to the drive-thru window starts becoming a regular thing, you should probably put some serious thought into grad school.

If you legitimately consider picking up your old summer job lifeguarding at the pool as a serious means of work, please go to grad school.

If over 60% of your job application responses say that they are going to go with “someone more experienced,” maybe go to grad school? Intern somewhere? 2-3 years experience is hard to gain when ALL THE JOBS require 2-3 years experience, but I hear some companies substitute education for experience. Worth a shot.