Weekends in Undergrad v. Weekends Postgrad

You were once just trying to make it to class alive. Now you’re just working for the weekend. Can I get a “toot, toot”? Can I get a “beep, beep”? And while you’re at it, can you also hand me that bottle of Advil? Thanks.

THEN
You could go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and probably Sunday. The only reason you needed Sunday was to do the homework you neglected on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
NOW
You go out on Friday and spend Saturday through Tuesday recovering from it. You like to say it’s because you went hard in the paint, and I mean, sure…

THEN
The party don’t start ’til you walk in. And that was usually sometime around 11.
NOW
The earlier to the bar, the earlier to bed. You could be in bed before 1:30 and it is seriously the most exciting part of your week.

THEN
You could skip class on Friday.
NOW
You cannot miss work Friday. No. Not again. You don’t have the personal day to give for it.

THEN
You would always go to your bar. Regardless. Even if there’s a fire.
NOW
Oh, there’s no cover charge from 9:30-10? We will go there.

THEN
You were literally up for anything, including that one mile walk to the downtown bars further away from campus.
NOW
No.

THEN
You participated in a little activity affectionately known as “day drinking.”
NOW
You participate in a little activity affectionately known as “happy hour.”

THEN
You could have a different hookup every weekend if you wanted.
NOW
You’ve forgotten what the other gender looks like out of business casual.

THEN
Tailgating weekend? You showed up still drunk from the night before.
NOW
You reserve your energies for the actual act of tailgating and post-victory/loss drinking.

THEN
You never kept up with the bar specials and just bought whatever was on special.
NOW
You know the bar specials like the back of your hand. You’ve memorized by day and by “lunch,” “happy hour,” and “nightly” specials, and it determines whether you go out or not.

THEN
You would troll the bar in search of the poor soul you were going to take home that night.
NOW
Could you be my future spouse?

THEN
You would dress to impress, even though you had nobody to impress.
NOW
If you’re already wearing sweat pants, the chances of you changing out of them are about zero percent. You don’t care to show up in your sweat pants. Fuck it, you do what you want.

THEN
You bought Natty Light and bottom-shelf liquor because LOL you’re not 21 and you’re such a badass with your fake I.D.
NOW
You buy the good shit and you learn to make it last.

THEN
You were too hungover to care about that quarter of a fifth you left at that house party to concern yourself with the 24-hour rule.
NOW
You’re still too hungover to care, but come Hell or high water, you’re getting that bottle back. It’s only Saturday and you need that.

THEN
Please I.D. me.
NOW
Please I.D. me.

The Girls’ Guide to Buying Gifts for Post-Grad Guys

Once upon a time, we lived in a world where buying presents for boys was easy. It was a much simpler time where the shots flowed like Jesus’ tears and a solid beejay or a nice lay was pretty much the only thing expected of you as far as gift-giving was concerned. Oh, college. And God, do I miss it.

But now, we live in the real world with paychecks and expectations and, as much as liquor and sex are still appreciated, we need to kick our gift-giving skills up a notch or two. But, and most (if not all) girls will 100 percent agree with me on this, boys are fucking difficult to buy for. I say this because, what is it that you could possibly want that you don’t already have and/or do? You have an Xbox, a PS3, enough Call of Duty to build your own small, virtual army, nine times out of ten you’re going to drink your signature on your run-of-the-mill night out, anyway. Some sort of birthday adult activity is obligatory at this point. What could you possibly need that I could afford on my pitiful post-grad budget?

Personally, I enjoy giving gifts. Not just any gifts, but kick-ass gifts. It’s a direct correlation as to how kick-ass your presence is to my life, so the more I enjoy you, the more you’re going to enjoy your gift from me. It’s a pretty simple equation. But, like I said earlier, it’s fucking hard to buy for you assholes. That being said, I’ve figured out yet another simple three-step equation for how to do it. Simple math is my favorite math. And this is how I do it:

STEP ONE:  Let’s start simple. Go with what you know. This is the foundation of your gift, and that foundation is alcohol of choice. For instance, if I were buying for my man-friend’s birthday, I would be investing in a fifth of Gentleman Jack. Tennessee boy, Tennessee whiskey. See? Simple. Now, we build.

STEP TWO:  Think. What does he enjoy doing when he has an extra buck or two to spend on himself? I know we’ve already covered video games, and if that’s what the boy does then you’re probably going to be throwing some hard-earned cash down on a pre-order somewhere. Is he outdoorsy? Does he play a sport? Can you find him tinkering around in his garage when you come over? Is he still missing seasons three and six of “The Office”? Think woman, think! Since I’ve already brought man-friend into this, I’ll continue using him as an example–he enjoys a good cigar. This is the part where I buy a box of decent-quality cigars and a personalized cigar cutter/punch. It’s easy, ladies.

STEP THREE:  What does he do during the day-time hours? What’s his profession/what did he go to undergrad for? The point of step three is to use your noggin a little bit–the thought part of the gift. No, this does not mean go out and buy the man a tie or a nice pair of dress socks. Unless you plan on competing with H.W.’s sock game, step away. I’m thinking more along the lines of a nice watch engraved with a solid Churchill, JFK, or Reagan quote. Something that’s going to be useful in his day-to-day. Man-friend example:  he’s in med school. He has to dress up every day. He happens to enjoy some nice HOC. I may or may not be ordering some nice personalized cuff links that are made from antique typewriter keys in the near future. Yeah. He’s very welcome for that.

STEP FOUR:  Birthday sex. But you already knew that you were going to have to put in work for that, didn’t you?

So there ya have it. Start with the simple and proceed to the big gift. We’re obviously not on Range Rover-purchasing levels, but  one day this person is probably going to spend over three months’ salary on a gift for you. Give him an awesome gift. Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favor.