How to Be a Grown-Ass Woman, Vol. II

The wait is over for those of you wondering if there would ever be a second volume of “How to Be a Grown-Ass Woman.” And just in time for Valentine’s Day, too. So if you’re needing to hone in on your lady skills before you drag some poor soul to watch Endless Love (even though, good Lord, Alex Pettyfer…), then this is for you.

1.  Quit shortening Valentine’s Day down to VD. Valentine’s Day and venereal disease are not the same thing, though you may contract a venereal disease due to Valentine’s Day.

2.  In order to prevent number one or a small person who likes to call you “mom,” you should always be prepared. Take charge of your life for five seconds and bring your own baby repellent.

3.  I don’t care that The Wedding Planner made a mockery out of carnations. If a boy brings you flowers, graciously accept them and thank the man. Don’t be a bitch.

4.  We got no food, we got no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off! Offer to pay for your half of the date, even if you know he won’t accept. We’re all fucking poor.

5.  Can we please calm the fuck down with the glitter?

6.  Don’t bitch too much about being single on Valentine’s Day. That’s what liquor stores and batteries are for. Netflix will be your Valentine. Console yourself, woman.

7.  For the love of God, do not get on Tinder on Valentine’s Day.

8.  You should probably wash your sheets. Like, on a regular basis.

9.  Not everyone can pull off red lipstick. Even on Valentine’s Day. Remember that. You know who you are.

10.  Nobody cares about your nail art, so you can stop tweeting pictures now.

11.  Watch the news. Read a newspaper. Follow @CNN, @CNNbrk, @BreakingNews, or @AP. Keep up with the world around you.

12.  You’re too old to be a Belieber, girl. Give it up.

13.  You should really be able to go out without showing the world your goods by now. Get it together, Lindsay Lohan.

14.  If you’re going to continue quoting Marilyn Monroe, I must insist you quote Monica Lewinsky. Now how dumb does it sound?

15.  Please like yourself by now.

16.  You don’t watch #RichKids of Beverly Hills. You don’t, okay? Promise me.

17.  I know you want the puppy. But you can’t afford the puppy.

18.  God, forgive me for this, but you can’t wear leggings everywhere. I know, I know… It upsets me, too.

19.  Stop being that girl at house parties that yells, “Play ‘Timber’!” I see you over there with your bottle of Arbor Mist…

20.  Be better than your five-year high school reunion. Wait until your ten-year, instead, so you’re happily married with kids to show off, too. Even the playing field a little bit.

21.  “I don’t know, surprise me.” You’re not new here anymore, you should know what to ask the bartender for when you get there.

22.  You should try to be motivated to work out more than just once a year when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show comes on.

23.  You should really make it a goal to not go into a diabetic coma this weekend after all the Valentine’s Day candy goes on sale.

The Sex Olympics

At the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, it’s been said that there have been been somewhere around 100,000 condoms passed out to the 2,871 Olympians competing. Math is not my forte, but according to the calculator on my iPhone 100,000 divided by 2,871 is 34 condoms per athlete. 34 condoms, two weeks. Olympic Village? Try sex den…and a threesome, #oddnumber.

In the spirit of the Olympics, and America, I can only hope the world’s finest athletes bring their talents to the bedroom for a giant international orgy-sesh where people compete for gold, silver, and bronze while someone YouTubes each nation’s national anthem. So how would our great nation stand this test of endurance?

According to this Elite Daily article (http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/moresex-countries-world/) that used research from a Durex survey in 2008, making it SUPER trustworthy, the author lists nine countries who are more likely to bring home the sexual gold than our great U.S. of A.

9. Mexico
8. Switzerland
7. Spain
6. Malaysia
5.  Italy
4.  China
3.  Russia
2.  Brazil
1.  Greece

But, nine? LOL, no. At the Olympics, we go top three. So, besides the fact that ever-so-peaceful Switzerland placed higher on this list, let’s go through and debunk every reason as to why these countries are better at banging than America. (SPOILER ALERT:  America wins.)

Number 3: Russia

WHY THEY’RE “BETTER”: They’re always drunk. I mean, sure, if I drank as much vodka as the Russians, I’d probably do anything with legs, too. Plus, their bars are known for getting all the ladies aroused with male strippers before opening the starting gates for the Russian stallions.

WHY THEY’RE NOT: Two words. “Whiskey dick.” The Russians must choose between a good time in the bar or a good time in the sack. Plus, if someone offered me a Russian vodka or a Russian man, I’d probably choose the vodka. Sorry, guys.

WHERE THEY MEDAL: No, fuck you, Russia. And your lack of preparedness.

Number 2: Brazil

WHY THEY’RE “BETTER”: This is the country that gave us the thong, the Brazilian wax, Carnaval (Mardi Gras on steroids), and Victoria’s Secret Angels Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Izabel Goulart. I see you, Brazil. Good game…

WHY THEY’RE NOT: In Brazil, prostitution is legal. But, before you try to get your passport renewed, you may want to take a moment to think about what souvenirs you’d be coming home with. Sex is temporary, but herpes lasts forever.

WHERE THEY MEDAL: Silver.

Number 1: Greece

WHY THEY’RE “BETTER”: Well, gentlemen… They brought to the world Sapphic love. Don’t know what that means? Ill give you a hint: it doesn’t involve men.

WHY THEY’RE NOT: The ancient Greeks not only gave us Sapphic love, but they also brought to the world pederasty. I’ll let you look that up, mainly because I’m not sure I can write about it without ending up registered as a sex offender…

WHERE THEY MEDAL: Bronze.

The United States of America

WHY WE’RE BETTER: Land of the free, home of the brave. Free porn and the brave souls who perform that shit for our entertainment. And, quite frankly, I’ve never heard of another country being quite as patriotic during intercourse. I mean, really, you show me someone who chants, “España! España!” during climax and I will show you a liar.

WHY WE’RE NOT: Okay, so we sexually glorify eating disorders and Miley Cyrus. Everyone has their faults, those just happen to be ours.

WHERE WE MEDAL: Gold. Celebrate accordingly.